First holidays together....

Tigger, S, and I had a wonderful Thanksgiving.  We were with my parents and my relatives.  S's relatives have all moved out of state and this was his first year without any family for both Thanksgiving and now Christmas coming up so it's a little melancholy for him, however, we've been making new memories and that has been wonderful.

After Thanksgiving, I found out I was pregnant and it was a shock....newlywed still on birth control so have absolutely no idea how that happened.   We were very excited and happy after the shock wore off...however, it was not meant to be as the end of the week brought on a miscarriage.  We were devastated and it was a rocky start to the December holidays.

This weekend brought some happiness though as we decided to get a real Christmas tree this year (I have done artificial trees for about 8 years now) and of course Tigger has enjoyed the whole process today.  Sadness and joy.  I'm thankful I have my family and S for the good and the bad.  It truly makes life bearable and still with hope.

We found Santa on a rainy December day

Which Tree????? Tigger on top of the world

Success!

May the Christmas and Holiday season bring you closer to your loved ones whether the times are good or bad, happy or sad, or a mixture of emotions!

How adoption has helped me see clearly in marriage (so far)

No I'm not stuck to the computer every night like I used to be, however, I did want to write at least a few entries during this month in honor of Adoption Awareness Month.

This may not ring true in everyone's life but this is an amazing coincidence in mine.  Adoption has helped me in the dating/engagement/getting married period.  Why?  Because in both situations, I'm not the "only".

As we all know, adoption consists of loss due not having the family you were born into.....it also is a wonderful reminder that one's heart can hold the love of multiple people.  I'm not Tigger's first mother.  Or second or third.....(at least 2 foster homes before my home) I'm the one that is raising her and that has adopted her.  There can be no comparisons made.  I love my daughter deeply.  I have no reason to believe that Tigger's first/birth mother didn't love her deeply.  What I do know is that her life was full of problems and she was not able to parent....despite whatever feelings she had.   This is foster care, the courts don't terminate parental rights lightly, I get this....however, I don't feel threatened by the "other woman", nor do I feel the need to one-up her in my life.  I have chosen different paths in life and am able to provide a stable home, she has not reached that level yet, but that doesn't mean we should ever compare or say who is the better and the more "real" mother.  I don't need to win a competition.  I love Tigger and can handle the fact that she has 2 moms....her mother and her mami.

I married a wonderful man.  He is truly wonderful indeed and I wouldn't have it any other way.  He is a widower.  I am not the first wife.  Because I watched my grandpa and his wife all my life, I know that this dynamic can be hard.  My step-grandmother has always tried to "win" the competition and try to live a life based on being a 'better wife' at the beginning.  My dad's family at times has been brutal to her....but I can see what comparing and trying to one-up another woman can do....it wears on you.  The woman my husband was married to was a wonderful woman.  In fact she and I probably could have been friends as she was an Occupational Therapist and I"m a Speech Therapist....our fields work together.  First of all, you don't compare yourself to a deceased person, we always remember the best of the deceased and one will always fall short.  But most important of all, I see how S truly loves me.  He has expressed the fact that he is grateful that God has given him a second chance at happiness.  Yes, I am the second chance, but I know that I'm not loved less.  He loves me truly as much as I know he truly loved his late wife.  No comparisons, no one-upping.  Life sucked in the fact that he lost a good wife and that cannot be undone.  I don't beat myself up because of his loss, neither do I take away from his past.  I am content and I know he can love me for who I am without diminishing the love he had for his late wife.

That's how I know.....adoption has helped me really grasp the concept.  I don't need to one-up another woman, I can love Tigger like hell and know that when she expresses any type of love/want/need to know more questions or feelings that it doesn't diminish our relationship.  There is room to love 2 different people without diminishing the other.

Thank you Tigger.  Thank you S.  I'm proud and happy to be one of "the other women".  I can't imagine life without either of you and despite complicated pasts, I love you both for who you are and where you came from.

Adoption Awareness month also means, be aware of loss.....be aware of conflict of feelings.....be man or woman enough to be proud of being "the other".  Love multiplies and can handle a lot.

November and all the memories: #1

First of all, before I start, I kinda updated some information on this blog.  Primarily reflecting the part that I'm now a married lady and no longer a single parent.  For those of you who wonder, I had a fabulous wedding, and the honeymoon was divine.  Because I always had a personal thing against being a single parent with boyfriends spending the nights or living in before the serious commitment came in (for the mental health sake of the child) while S had all his stuff moved in by the 2nd week of September, this month has been about adjusting to him being around 24/7.  It's been a trip.....wonderful and different.  Tigger did have some regression in the obedience/testing boundaries stage, however, that was always expected, but slowly we are getting into a rhythm.

But enough about that, as you all may know (or not know) November is National Adoption Awareness Month.  And since this was mainly established for children in foster care, I felt a few blog entries are in order especially in these dire economic times.

2 years ago, I had the pleasure of finalizing the adoption of my Tigger.  I was her foster mom for 11 months and 5 days before the legalities were over, however, November 2010 marked the end of the foster care world and 'normal' life.

During the ceremony before the families were individually called for their turn in the courtroom, the director of our county's foster care program said that this year there were 500 adoptions happening on National Adoption Day (Nov. 20th).  While many people clapped, and yes for foster children this was good news for them, but I just thought "how sad".  Think about it, 500 children born into family situations filled with physical, emotional, sexual abuse, neglect, sometimes extreme substance abuse which led to harm etc. etc. etc.  That is just sad.

What I found encouraging that day was that many families were adopting not only toddlers, but I saw families finalizing with an older child or an older sibling set and I was thinking, that's good that these siblings are together or yay, an older child has a home now.  I hope stability is in their future.

I do support National Adoption Awareness Month in the way it was meant to be....for children in foster care.  They need homes.....people that are able and willing to put forth the work that parenting brings should have resources to be able to give children a second chance.  I believe this mentality is different than other types of adoption....these children have had a chance and for some reason or another that didn't work out, but they deserve a chance.  Not because the people adopting are angels or hero's or whatnot, but because children are our future and should have a chance at stability.

Now on the flip side, we should also support resources for individuals and families so they have a chance at changing their lives so their children aren't impacted by abuse or substance abuse.  My husband S and his job has given me a window into this side.  S is a medical social worker and at this time is a supervisor and coordinator for all the anger management groups, domestic violence groups, substance abuse, and troubled teens.  He works with an agency that is connected with another county's department of probation and parole.  So many of his clients have had children removed because of physical abuse or substance abuse issues in the home.  My husband does his best to make a difference.  He is a perfect man for this job.  While he is the biggest teddy bear in the world and has the biggest heart in the world, he is a rough around the edges guy.  He doesn't take crap and he dishes it back in a way that some of his clients need.  Thing is, he cares about his clients and he knows that their support system is nilch so their choices have not been the best.  By providing counseling and group services in order to better their lives (men and women), maybe some of these clients can be reunited with their children in a healthier manner and bonds do not have to be broken.  S isn't naive, he knows he can't reach everyone because at the end of the day it's each person's decision whether or not to take his anger management advice and techniques or turn around from drugs and alcohol, however, he believes that if even one or two clients get their act together and get some sort of education, their families back or working better with other relationships, he's done his job.

Why is this important, because it's a resource, and if we don't support these resources, then lives can't be changed either.  Thinking about children and their best interests means we need to be aware of what resources are out there and support them for either biological parents or adoptive parents if the former cannot be.

500 adoptions from foster care is 500 children needing help....it's also 500-1000 biological parents that may need services like those my husband provides....not all of them will change, but that's not our concern....our concern is that children have chances in this world, either with their families if possible because then familial bonds are not broken, or with appropriate adoptive parents, so they can have a second chance and be our future, in whatever manner that is.....no expectations, just decent and kind human beings.

20 days

In 20 days I'll be married.  Be on the lookout for a new name for this blog.  Life has been....well busy.  Tigger is now moved up to the 3-4 year old room for the year.  She is doing well in preschool.

The Breath You Take

To answer some questions I recently received, no I'm not quitting on my blog.  I have just been incredibly busy wedding planning, remodeling the house with S, and enjoying Tigger.  While I love blogging and I love the people and bloggers I have met here in cyberspace, sometimes family priorities truly come first.

Tigger is getting so big.  She is just a delight in between preschool girl diva normal angst.  Her speech and language development blows me away and her personality is really shining through.  I absolutely love my summers with her.  She will be turning 3 years old on Sunday.  She is very excited about her little mermaid party and of course she mentions that she has to have balloons at her party with little mermaid.  So of course I've made the balloon order already because that is very important this year.

shopping date with Tigger

S and I have been taking Tues/Thurs this summer to remodel my house before the wedding, and I decided to enjoy every moment because he was looking to start applying for more work after the wedding and I just had a feeling deep down that he wouldn't have days off like this in the future.  I'm glad I listened to my gut and enjoyed this process with him as 2 weeks ago he received a promotion at work and now has full time work, is on salary instead of hourly with benefits.  What an awesome answer to prayer especially to have this in place before the wedding.  Of course that means that I no longer have those 2 days during the week to finish up organizing and let me tell you we both have missed this, yet we are thankful that we enjoyed the process and that we had most everything done anyways.

Once life and family become more routine, I plan on blogging regularly and actually have more adoption type blog posts.  There have been many to post, however, time with my new family has been important and I didn't have adequate time to be on the computer at this moment, even though S doesn't live here yet.

I guess I just want to make sure that even in my Facebook, online blogging, iPhone technology whatever, I would live life dedicated to being the best parent/soon to be spouse that I can be.  I love country music and so does S.  There is a song by George Strait that really nails the point and maybe can explain why my blog has been quiet recently....I hope that my life will reflect the lyrics found in this song.  Because life really "isn't the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away" and quite frankly, I don't want to miss any of those moments.  I hope neither do you.

Moving right along

The house remodeling is almost done.  Most of the major wedding planning is done, now it's just the nitty gritty and ride til the wedding day....which is almost 3 months off.  Time is flying by!  And now to totally give you the 'gag me' love photos.  Yes, engagement pictures finally came!

A Proposal Story

Apparently a CD I burned for S a while ago with lots of my favorite country music on it....including one I put in there about "putting a ring on that finger I'm wrapped around"...."only been 7 months, but that's long enough, to put a ring around that finger"  made an impression because at the 6 1/2 going on 7 months I received a proposal from S.  Here is how it went.

S found out I had my spring break the last week of March.  He was excited about it because he has Tuesday's off and wanted to do something with me.  So we planned to go to the beach.  That weekend before, he asked which beach I wanted to go to, and gave me a few options.  Well I hadn't gone to one beach with a pier that he mentioned so he said perfect, I love that pier and beach, you will too!

Tuesday morning came and off we went with Tigger in tow.  We laughed and chatted away on the drive over to the beach.  The day was sunny albeit windy and cool.  We were in khaki shorts and our navy blue sweatshirts and flip flops.  We had fun at the beach.  Tigger was fascinated by the ocean and we let her play (with a watchful eye as if it were up to her, she would dive into the ocean with no restraint) for a bit until she started turning purple and I went to change her clothes.

Then S said he wanted to walk to the end of the pier.  We held hands and were kissing while pushing the stroller down the pier.  At the end, we were gazing into the ocean and S said he had to do something really quick.  I said ok, and saw him turn a bit then all of a sudden, I see him down on his knee asking me to "marry me......please".  I think my jaw dropped, I think I heard a couple of people going "awwwww".  And I said 'uh what?...I mean yes of course, but really?"

S began to try to talk through a rehearsed speech but then started crying which then made me tear up and well you know, he slipped the ring on my finger and we both just hugged and kissed for a while, while keeping an eye on Tigger dancing away near us.  She loved my ring and tried to tell me that it was hers and not mine.

Later on in May, we will take our engagement photos at the pier where he proposed, and under the pier, and on the beach.  Both of us love the ocean and the beach so quite honestly, this was the best place and the best casual outfits ever for this event.

And that is how I got engaged!  With Tigger as a witness!

Getting to the beach.  One of my favorite pictures of S and Tigger

S and Tigger playing on the beach

S picked out a very nice ring I adore all by himself 

Right after the proposal.....a self portrait shot with my iPhone

Yes I disappeared! I underestimated the time it takes to plan a wedding!!!!!

Contrary to my silence on the blog, I'm not over blogging or have given up on this blog.  I just decided to say "yes" to a proposal and have a short engagement (7 months....now a week away from only 5 months til  Wedding day) which means my planning is going uber fast and I have no time for anything at the moment including making sure I'm not ignoring my daughter.

I still owe you all a proposal story, and some details on how things are going, however, will not promise when they will actually be published. Ha ha ha!  Needless to say, October is around the corner and still have to work with my mother on the food aspect.

I miss reading all of your blogs on a regular basis and I hope to do that again sometime soon....well at least definitely by mid-October.  Will pop out here and again!

Flower girls.....Tigger and friend...(daughter of the couple that set S and I up), trying on dresses and head pieces.  Dresses were finally bought....head pieces are still up in the air as to which ones....(all choices not shown here)

A lot of information to share

And yes you all will get the story!  It is just past midnight where I am at and I need some sleep after an exciting day.  In the next 24 hours you will hear about 2 stories:

1) Story #1  My decision to put adoption plans of a 2nd child on hold

2) Story #2  I'M ENGAGED!!!!! and my engagement story !!!!!!

Stay tuned.  Since I am on Spring Break and S works very long hours on Wednesday, I will have time to write.  Until then friends.  Have a great night and morning!

It never ceases to amaze me that my life is really not going in "normal" order

Yesterday was just a funny day.  It was fun, it was jovial, and it was an introduction to a new phase of our lives. Nope not a new child, but I did meet S's daughter for the first time.  It was a blast and we all had fun.  While in pictures we look more like sisters than would be stepmom/stepdaughter people, it was fun and a great time was had by all.  (and I still am closer in age to S than I am to his daughter!!!!!)

So much for following the "normal" protocol.  I love my life.

Driving down to the Zoo

S's daughter and us

S with both his daughter and mine

I crack up every single time I look at this picture.  It's funny to me

Life and Adoption news

So S and I finally had a true blue couple moment this weekend when my feelings were hurt over something and his feelings got hurt because he felt bad about hurting my feelings.  We don't really see it as "that we had an argument", but we were able to finally test our communication skills and we worked through it and lived to tell about it!  Ha!  We still maintain that we haven't had a true blue argument yet, however, most of our time together after Tigger is in bed is spent in conversation and discussion over books that we are reading....which are books on relationships.  (Yes we really are THAT corny)  Currently we are discussing "Love Languages the Singles Edition" and have taken our love language profile so we have an idea of the hierarchy each other feels is most important to them.  There is a book about that for married people too and I think it's great.  S and I have been able to learn more information about how we grew up, what our pet peeves are, how we feel loved, about each other than just in random conversation.  So yeah obviously I think it's a great book to talk about and share with your spouse or significant other.

S, Tigger, and I enjoying ourselves after resolving our 'moment'

In Adoption News:

I don't think I ever advertised on the blog that I was homestudy ready for adding a second child into my home, but I have been since the summer and since before meeting S.  He knew about it and has been a steadfast supporter.  I'm sure it helps that he is a medical social worker and runs groups for domestic violence and substance abuse for the office of probation in the county that he lives in.  Anyways in 8 months I had not received a call.  Today I did, however, unfortunately, both my social worker and I ended up thinking the match was not a good fit for my home so I ended up having to pass on the match.  That always puts me in a bad mood only because children are not vehicles or appliances.  Even if I did the best thing for the child by passing so she could then be placed with an appropriate family, the thought process for me is that I rejected a child.  That always leaves a bad taste in my mouth.  Children should not ever be in a position where they need to get rejected or passed by.  There are many things about the foster/adoption process that are hard, however, I think that when one says "no" to a match....even if it's the right and best decision due to circumstances....that is the most painful part of the process.  My prayers go out to all the children that need homes and that they end up in the right ones.

And in final news, Tigger will begin ballet/tap lessons tomorrow!

could you just die!  I love tiny dance shoes

Things that make you go hmmmmm

So with that blog post I linked to, tonight had another "hmmmmm" moment.

S needed to make a 2 hour trip to see his daughter tonight instead of hanging at my house like he does every Thursday.  She needed him tonight and that's where I'll leave it at, however, since we (S and I) were texting and we talked because I wanted to know how she was doing and such, I got to talk to S's daughter for the first time.  Here's how that phone call went

A:  Hey there future stepmother
me:  ?????? *nervous laughter* hi sweetie how are you doing?
A: not bad not bad, I just wanted to say hi....can't wait to meet you in person
me:  that would be great actually
A:  My dad showed me pictures of my future stepsister and she is adorable....I bought her some socks, but they may be too small cuz duh I don't know what size she has
me: ???? Wow that is really sweet of you thank you!
.......conversation goes on for about another 2-3 minutes and then she hands the phone back to S.

Did I mention I'm dating a man 9 years older than me and that I am a big whopping 11 years older than his daughter?  yeah, this is me....I've always lived life a little differently.  Hey if what A says does come to pass, I should just hope that I don't turn into the proverbial Cinderella stepmother.....or we can always pretend we're sisters...um no....well....yanno?  My uncle is 6 months younger than I.....it's all good.

As if being a transracial single adoptive mom by choice wasn't different enough!  And that my friends are my hmmmm thoughts.

Story that makes you go hmmmm

One hopes that the world is great and wonderful, however, this is a story that makes one go hmmmm.  It's also why I am getting a picture ID (passport ID) for Tigger.

A commentary on a blog post called "Babysitting while White"

Brown Babies Pink Parents

Hospital part II

So my last post left you all knowing that my precious Tigger was in the hospital.  Last week she stayed home all week long and I stayed home 3 days out of 5 since I could only get help for 2 days.  Tigger was still recovering so it was quite an exhausting week hence no blogging for tired mommy!

Anyways, I told you all that we had some classic "adoption" moments at the hospital.  The first one is the obvious question when we arrived via ambulance.
Nurse: "is there a family history of asthma"?
Me:  ummmm *crickets chirping*  I don't think so? but I'm not positively sure.....
Nurse:  "can you explain?"
Me:  I adopted Tigger and have some medical information but not very extensive so I don't think so but I'm not entirely sure
Nurse: "oh, ok"
Me:  I have a goofy smile on my face....thinking....Oh Lord, this is just the beginning.

the classic shift change bringing in a Nurse that is highly conversational and intrusive albeit a highly "special" one (even though she was nice, she was just special let me tell you)

Nurse:  Oh wow....mom mom where did baby get her curly hair?
S:  squeezes my hand hard.....translation:  you're not telling ms. busybody are you?
Me:  smiling sweetly "oh it runs in the family"
S:  laughs heartily
Room:  laughter.....(I had about 6-8 family visitors constantly)
Nurse:  oh runs in family...yeah I know....my granddaughters are twins....guess what?  they are blonde  BLONDE....(nurse is Asian)
Me:  laughs out of hospital stress and just wanting Ms. Busybody and my well meaning family to exit the room so I can breathe and focus on Tigger

Later S says to me:  "I'm all about honesty and stuff, but really....Ms. Busybody didn't need that information, good answer honey!"
Me:  Thanks babe!

Saturday night, S spent the night at the hospital with Tigger and I and in the morning....oh Ms. Busybody nurse came in and was talking to S in this manner:  "so daddy, have baby sit here with you"
Me:  "......."  I was a bit taken aback
S:  Come here Tigger and sit with me
Me:  mouths 'thanks honey'

Yes the weekend was full of reminders of how un-typical my family is.

What a weekend

What.A.Weekend!

I should begin with saying that both Tigger and I are home and that she is doing well.  Now I get to tell you that Tigger was hospitalized on Friday first for asthma and secondly they found out she had Pneumonia.  It was a rough weekend.  I was stressed out, Tigger looked bad Friday, and I'm switching Pediatricians.

First of all, I had been concerned about her health and had taken her in.....Pediatrician who has not done much for her when she's ill even though her other one had, sent us home telling me she would probably just get better....but to bring her back in if she still had a fever amidst my urging that the only reason she didn't have a fever was because I had given her some Ibuprofen.  Well, she just didn't look well and spiked another fever and that was it, I took her back and sure enough, by that time she was having asthma, and looking horrible enough that the Dr. immediately phoned the Hospital and within the hour we were transported by ambulance over to the hospital where we would stay for the next 2 1/2 days.

Tigger was a champ.....all the nurses fell in love with her, (of course who can resist) because she is an easy patient, she takes all her meds like a champ and doesn't thrash around.  First night in the hospital was just her and I.....luckily the chair in the room was a pull out bed chair although it is more of a cot really, smaller than a twin size bed and I didn't get much sleep....Tigger wasn't having a great night, Oxygen levels were down, and she needed breathing treatments quite regularly.  When we woke up and spoke with the Dr., they had found spotting in her lungs indicative of pneumonia and were going to keep her for one more day.  They also did that viral panel for RSV which then meant Tigger was in isolation and we got to wear awesome hospital gowns and masks so as not to pass out bugs if we went in and out of the room.  While we had family over visiting, Tigger had an asthma attack in front of all of us.....not very cool.  Luckily it calmed down once the nurse was called and she received more inhaler medicine.

The second night went so much better.  Tigger's fever broke and was steady at 97.8, she slept well without having coughing or asthmatic fits, S who had to work Saturday morning so couldn't stay the first night, spent the night at the hospital with us in that small cot....that was a feat!  He was a great help....and he was able to get Tigger to eat more food when I couldn't get her to eat so I was very thankful he was around.

Sunday afternoon we were finally released and now I'm just taking care of her and luckily I have some family that can help take care of her this week as she can't go to preschool for a week.  So I can still go to work some days this week as well.  And that was our summary of the weekend.  When I write next, I'll incorporate how adoption, lack of medical knowledge, and this visit went.  Some funny moments....but really, the first time lack of medical knowledge left a real uneasy feeling, even if the questions were minor.

Don't you love my family in their hospital garb?  Also look at that smile on Tigger, isn't it a wonder the nurses loved her?  She is a happy girl even in the midst of not feeling well

Reflections....

By the title of this blog post, one might think that I did major pondering today in regards to our holiday (Martin Luther King Jr.), which is not really the case.  I was happy I had one more day to spend with Tigger and S and so spent most of the day enjoying that.

My reflections are merely wondering how the future will pan out.  Will our nation truly go forward in terms of diminishing racism or at least diminishing racial bias?  While we are no where near where our country was during the life of MLK, it is evident that racism is alive and well still in this country. I ponder how life will go for my little princess.  She is adored now as a 2 year old.  Will she still be adored as she grows up?  will she encounter the ugly side of life dealing with racist remarks?  My hope is that no she wont, and if that is the case, then I am doubly thankful for everything Martin Luther King Jr. did and stood for.  Anyone who has fought not only for civil rights in general, but for children, children like mine and others....well they have my respect!

I hope all of you enjoyed your extra day to be with your families

Moving forward

Well during this week, I had S over two times for dinner and TV.  He's getting to be quite regular around here!

I also practiced more hairstyles on my Tigger and feel like I can do her hair justice and can always improve.  It's been a good week.

Oh my....The Hair

Being a mom is challenging enough.....being a mom to a girl is a trip.......being a mom to a girl with completely different hair than you are used to...well let's just say that's an adventure.

I've made no secret that Tigger is biracial and that I am the whitest Hispanic person on the planet along with a history of not caring about my hair.  Well dear friends, those days are over.

Fortunately Tigger's hair has been easy to maintain, however, it is growing more and I notice that it tends to dry and frizz like no one's business very quickly.  So I've been learning about hair care these past 3 weeks, what curly hair needs are, what biracial/multiracial hair needs may be, etc.

Two things I've learned:

1)  I've learned about a a line of products (shampoo, conditioner, moisturizers, cream) that works for Tigger's hair.  I mean yeah she looks like she's played, but the hair....well it's not out of control when I pick her up from preschool anymore.  Yay!  I know it will make her happy in the long run because she loves looking pretty.

2)  I've learned that I'm not good at braiding, I need practice, and that YouTube is my friend.  I tried to braid Tigger's hair for the first time tonight....nothing fancy, but regular braids....I failed miserably, but it prompted me to go to a couple of blogs about hair that I've seen recently and to YouTube, so I feel more prepared to go at it again later this week.

Why am I blogging about this?  Well because I think it helps foster a child's self-esteem to know they are put together and look their best.  This is one of the many ways in which we are not alike and another reminder of the adoption connection.  Instead of not celebrating that difference, I think it's important to make sure she learns to take pride in herself....from hair to toes!

Please enjoy my horrid first attempt.  My promise to Tigger is that I will continue practicing and getting better!  Mami loves you Tigger!