2 Years ago

on 12/15/2009 I brought this little one home and was absolutely excited and terrified beyond words.

She is now a 2 year old that I dearly love and constantly read, pray, and seek other mommy counsel so I can raise her the best way I can.

I love you my dear one....through the good days and the not so good days, never a moment goes by that I don't think of you!

National Adoption Awareness Month

November is National Adoption Awareness Month.  Now some people automatically get all mushy and hearts start flying in the air and violin music and all that.  Others are more quiet about it, mostly meditating on ethics surrounding adoption as a whole.  Like most things in life I'm a middle-of-the-road gal.

I care about adoption happening the right way especially through foster care since that is my arena of interest.  I also get sentimental as November of last year was when Tigger was finalized and officially a member of the family--my family.

The truth of the matter is, foster care and adoption from foster care should be a topic of interest as it impacts our society.  Whether or not children in foster care reunite with family or are adopted into a new family, they are our kids.  We interact with them, they go to school with our kids, they are part of our future for a better place. It's high time we got involved in making sure ALL of the children in our community have a good chance at life for a future.

What are some ideas that we can do?

• be more mindful/helpful with the neighbors....especially the neighbors you think are struggling
• be mentors to your children's friends
• be mentors in the community
• Get involved with the department of family services in one way or another (donating, mentorship, contemplate being a foster home or an adoptive home if you feel that it is something you can do no matter how little (or not) gratitude/give back there is
• support families that have adopted from foster care
• be respite homes
• offer services or financial support if a family needs to pay for therapeutic services for their child 

Adoption is not all roses and butterflies, however, with AWARENESS, my hope is that we all can help our kids, our community find their place....a better place in this world.  

Hey fellow Christian....you may not want to adopt!

Well I'm not the only one directing traffic to this popular post of the week, however, I thought it was a decent and balanced view about adoption within Christian circles.  Go read Russell Moore's blog post here!

I for one have never bought into the Evangelical adoption movement, I believe it is a decision that is highly personal and different, for families that decide to pursue adoption.  While I do believe in the mandate from the Bible to care for the orphans and the widows, adoption has never been the ONE way to do that.  Anyways enjoy the article.  It will give you food for thought.

And as an example....I  read this blog frequently....not because it's happy happy joy joy, but because it highlights some of the real life day to day stuff that no one ever wants to think about.  This post moved me to tears...I encourage you to read it, especially if thinking about older child adoption

An Oxymoron

Well maybe not in the true sense of the definition but definitely a contradiction in my "file of important papers"

I recently received (a couple months back) Tigger's amended birth certificate in the mail.  I looked at it and started laughing.  First of all it's only a certificate of live birth.  So just in case my daughter decides to become President of the United States, since I don't have the Original Birth Certificate, the media and [ignorant] people can accuse my daughter of not being born in the USA because this piece of paper will not be enough.  (oops, sorry didn't mean to get political) Yup, I live in a state where the Original Birth Certificate is sealed now. 

The contradiction????

Because Tigger came from foster care, I have copies of ALL the hospital paperwork and birth records.  Including who her mother and father are with names and everything.  Even my social worker gasped as we went over the papers because apparently they forgot to black out a couple of social security numbers (Tigger's mother) which I wasn't supposed to see....oh well I guess it's a good thing I don't do identity theft.  So birth records say one thing.....certificate of live birth says another. 

Gotta love contradictions.  At least I have more information than many people do for future purposes if need be. 

By the way, if my Tigger runs for President, she was born in the state of California just in case anyone says otherwise. 

Tackling the tough questions [for me]

Last week my two posts on ‘adoption as an option’ located here and here resulted in some high reader traffic as well as some facebook dialogue and private e-mails. I must say I enjoyed the civility and honest opinions and questions that came about because of what I had written What I want to do today is to provide some of my thoughts in regards to questions or ponderings that have come about since then. I am not doing this post to make fun of great questions, commentaries, nor ponderings that have made themselves known to me through comments or private messages, I am doing this post because adoption is complex and I don’t think one really grasps that until there are honest posts about different subjects within adoption. I also think that many questions or statements were done with no malicious thoughts, ergo why I’m really proud to say that I have some great friends and online friends…you guys rock!


There are also typical stereotypes that come from either Lifetime movies or Law & Order episodes, or sensational news items which then many people take and generalize to all adoption families or scenarios. Here are my thoughts to the questions that followed....

What about in situations where a single mother kept her baby and then the baby entered foster care because the mother wasn’t ready to be a mom? Wouldn’t it have been better for a woman to have considered adoption?

What a point blank observation/question and a hard one at that! Thank you to a couple of people who asked in both an open way and a private way. My thoughts on this question are that we as human beings have choices in life. Every option is a choice….to have sex or not to have sex. If one becomes pregnant, whatever your beliefs are, your choices are to a) have an abortion b) consider adoption c) parent the child.

Without rhyme or reason, I’ve personally seen and read about women with horrible pasts and literally not have any knowledge about resources become completely changed by a pregnancy and for the sake of the child “turn around” and persevere through unthinkable odds. I’ve seen and witnessed women who have had a crappy childhood and just repeat the cycle. However, my first phrase is that there is no rhyme or reason why some continue the cycle and some rise up and overcome. Without going into platitudes of “who are we to decide who will persevere and who will not” it is still a mystery because of personal choice. So I leave it up to women to make their own choices. Unfortunately because we do live in a fallen world (my belief system) some women will not choose wisely and the state intervenes.

I will reiterate though that the state doesn’t put a child in an adoptive home or foster/adoptive home with the initial thought being adoption. Reunification is always the primary goal and the state will give parents programs to attend, resources, and job/work help in order to help parents overcome and continue parenting in a healthy way. It’s only after everything has been tried that the decision is made for them.

What about the fact that sometimes it seems as though adoptive parents are beat over the head with guilt over being happy over parenting our children?

I am so not a fan of parenting out of a place of guilt. If one can’t tell from random posts I put on my blog. I am the queen of cheesiness when it comes to my child. I am very happy parenting her and my everyday life is not filled with “woe is me, I need to ponder the sadness of Tigger’s mother every second of the day” type thoughts. It really isn’t. The point of my blogging and bringing up adoption issues every so often is to show how some things are really borne out of grief and loss. Yes parenting my child brings me joy, no I don’t have guilt over that, however, I do respect that there was loss associated with adoption and depending on how Tigger sorts it out in her mind, I need to respect that sometimes adoption feelings may not be all rosy and peachy with her in the future.

As moms there are plenty of ‘mommy wars’ to gear up to make us feel guilty. Did we breastfeed or not, are we SAHM or Work outside of the home moms, did we have fertility issues or not. There will always be nasty stuff out there to deal with as a mom. I don’t advocate parenting from a place of guilt. When we do, that’s when parenting mistakes that shouldn’t have been made ARE made (and I’m not talking about mistakes that we all will do throughout our lifetime). If one feels that they are having negative feelings or feelings of guilt and are having a hard time parenting, I would respectfully put it out there that maybe some short term counseling is needed. Not because one is a failure, but because sometimes an outside opinion is warranted and truly helpful in the long run. Our children deserve parents that parent…..not a parent that is guided by guilt or any other places of pain whatever that may be.

Is adoption really that complex?

This question was really asked out of curiosity, not with malice. I didn’t used to think so. I was wrong. I’m ok with knowing I was very naïve about it when I was younger. Some online friends of mine have always said that it’s tiresome to explain that they love their mom and dad (adoptive parents) yet they want adoption reform and will fight for that….because they will get classified as ‘angry’ about adoption and their upbringing must have been just awful. They say over and over again that it’s quite possible to hope for reform and fight for ethics in adoption and search for birth family without having ill feelings or loving their adoptive families any less.

I can see where they are coming from. I can be quite cheesy and I love my daughter with intensity and still grieve her loss without it canceling out my feelings of joy in having her as my daughter. Having these two feelings do not interfere with each other. They are what they are.

That is all for today. I received a doosie of a question that needs its own post. I hope these thoughts have been helpful in some way. Maybe gets more dialogue or thinking going on.

I’ll say it again….I have the best friends both in real life and online a gal could ask for!

Merging Two Passions Together This Month

I’m actually excited about writing a post to include in Foster 2 Forever’s month long blog hop. The blog is highlighting the fact that May is National Foster Care Awareness Month. Of course this always makes me look at ways to help out to make the foster system a wee bit better where I live, however, this is doubly great because May is also Better Hearing and Speech Month, and since I am a Speech-Language Pathologist, I’m excited that these two issues are highlighted in the same month.


Ever since college ended and I started working in the local public school system, I have been an avid supporter of working to promote children and families in the community around me. I believe the future of my state lies within the walls of the schools I am a part of and I believe the future of our state depends on our ability to care for our own children within our state. So with me and how I’ve morphed in my own beliefs about life and what my life’s work and beyond should be, it includes being involved in my community.

I’ve written about my foster care journey and I will highlight it here and here or you can also click on the “our family story” tab above and it will take you to the same links. These two posts adequately describe my journey with adoption through foster care and I wouldn’t change a word.

What I will add to this post though are some things related to speech/language development as I do know many foster parents worry about it when they receive a new placement, primarily if the child is a little older (2 years and above) and there seems to be limited language skills.

What I can do if I suspect a child in my home has a speech/language delay:

• If under the age of 3, contact your local Early Intervention agency or if you are unsure, contact the local school district or your Pediatric Doctor for a referral or number to call. As a foster parent you can also contact the child’s social worker or your social worker for a referral or a number.

• If between the ages of 3-5, contact your local school district and ask where your child can receive an assessment due to your concerns. If you are a foster parent, discuss your concerns with the social worker and see if the social work or biological family or you or all of the above can sign a letter to ask for an assessment. Be aware that depending on who has educational rights, you (the foster parent) may not be able to sign an IEP for implementation, however, you can advocate for the help the child needs. Always know who has educational rights and discuss with the social worker how the signing of any documentation will go (either the parents will need to also come and sign, or the social worker will be liaison, or the GAL will come and sign…etc. this is important information to know)

• Do not underestimate the power of stimulation and involvement in language through everyday activities.

• If a child has not had the typical exposure to language and different activities, it may take a bit to catch up, however, don’t lose heart, change and language development will happen over time and increased awareness with putting out various language opportunities during the day.

What I can do at home to stimulate language:

• Follow the three A’s
      o Allow
                Encourage the language that is there (e.g. wa-wa for water)
                Speak in short phrases or single words to allow for success in imitation.

       o Adapt
                Give the proper name (e.g. shirt, water, juice, ball)
                Repeat, repeat, repeat (e.g. “throw me the BALL, BALL, yes that’s the BALL)

        o Add
                Add a new idea or expand the utterance (BIG car vs. car)
                Actions can solidify the meaning of the word (baby sleeping…along with the action for ‘shhhh’)

• Engage children in everyday activities

        o Laundry (sorting by colors)
        o Cooking (making a snack is always a hit)
        o Library (always something going on…check your library listings)
        o Outdoor play
        o Creative play
        o Reading time

What I can be aware of:
 Be aware of hearing primarily if history of chronic ear infections
         o Have hearing/speech screenings often
          Be aware that sometimes foster children may lag behind and may need some time with us before making leaps and bounds. Patience and understanding are key

On behalf of two very important areas that I’m very passionate about (Local foster care and Speech/Language) I was happy to sit down and write this short blurb to promote speech/language awareness as well.

The 'Chill out" space

***This post is to go along with Foster 2 Forever's bloghop theme of the week which is Challenges/Trauma/Neglect.***

I have a daughter that does not calm down easily. Because of this, I keep our schedule pretty boring and predictable. Two weeks ago I wrote a post about babies and attachment and a few weeks ago wrote a piece on attachment as well.


I wanted to write about our challenges here at home and a couple of the strategies I use with Tigger to calm her down.

When Tigger melts down, it’s complete chaos. There is shaking, uncontrollable crying, anger, frustration, something that resembles a throw down tantrum, and hurt feelings. Sometimes trying to talk to her or holding her backfires and the screams and fits get louder and louder, until there is a method that calms her down.

One method is to use my glider. While at this point she loves rocking before going to sleep, when she’s in one of her meltdown moments at first she fights sitting with me in the glider. She would rather be thrashing around on the floor. Sometimes I’m frustrated as well, depending on the stress at work that day, however, I do refocus my thinking and make an effort to count and have a calm demeanor…we then start rocking. Calming down will usually happen in about 20-30 minutes.

Another method that I use is the “chill out” space. This method is actually preferred by Tigger as I think it gives her permission to get her feelings out as well as I do believe it’s a safe place for her. I have a beanbag in her room, and if she needs to ‘let it out’ for some reason…most of the time, I can sense it’s due to being tired or frustration so I try not to make it a big deal. I simply state that she needs to go to her chill out space and then she can come back for a hug when she feels she is ready (I’m usually still in the same room or within her sight). She doesn’t escape, she prefers to stay there and will stay there until she is done. I know it’s been effective when she comes to me and is receptive to a hug.

Some days are draining, some days I feel it helps. As a licensed foster parent that adopted a young child/older infant, part of the challenge is that the child is pre-verbal to the emerging level of language and so there is guess work as to why the meltdowns occur. Sure I know the age of Tigger makes many of these behaviors ‘typical’ and ‘age-appropriate’, I also know that part of Tigger’s personality is a child that has a capacity for sensitivity and a long memory which is also part of the challenge of making sure boundaries are in place as well as making sure Tigger‘s attachment and security needs are met.

"Oh how lucky...Babies are easy" (on bonding/attachment)

Foster2Forever is having a month of awareness in honor of April's National Child Abuse Prevention month.  Penelope is having a blog hop and I'm going to participate by writing about Tigger's first few months with me.  Please hop on over to Foster2Forever and read blog posts from different people involved in adoption through foster care.

When I received the call for Tigger, I was a little apprehensive because I felt I was better with the over 2 year old crowd, however, I also decided to lower my age bracket because after all children grow and whether or not we admit it, the younger a child is the more time there is to work on attachment which is really important.

Of course, I received congratulations from my friends, family, and co-workers.  I also received some congratulations on not having to deal with issues because of Tigger's age (4 1/2 months old).  I don't know where people get their information, but I will never ever say that 'babies are easier' or that you 'don't have to work hard at attachment' if they are young.

Enter Tigger.  Enter 3+ hours of crying and screaming at times.  Enter a fierce resistance to rocking, to being comforted, and her self soothing method of sucking her index finger.  If you see the first pictures of Tigger, she had that look of shock, scowl, seriousness...not one of happiness.  She came home during the Christmas season.  Christmas day was too much stimulation and my mom and I dealt with 4+ hours of non-stop crying and screaming...Tigger would get wound up, not tired!  It was a rough start.

Can you blame her though?  Tigger came into this world...went home to an emergency foster home that was not equipped for babies, did not do well there, and had to be moved to another emergency foster home.  By the time she was 4 months old and in my house that was already a 3rd home.  She had no chance to attach 100%.  Her 2nd foster home was wonderful.  I made mention of that home here.  I believe if it were not for that home, our journey to attachment would have been even more rough.  So here I was with an infant who was hyper vigilant, scared, and wasn't comforted easily.

The next few months this is what helped us attach:

Rocking:  I have a very squeaky rocking chair now...or glider more accurately.  Many, many, many hours have been logged in there rocking Tigger every day.  She resisted and would arch her back when she first came home...but soon accepted it, and now loves it....will not go to sleep unless we cuddle and rock and I either sing to her or play a homemade burned CD of "our songs".  Now the rocking is more for me, as she is getting big and I know I will miss rocking her when she's older....right now though it's still in the routine....before I received resistance, now I receive hugs.

Wearing:  Yes I wore the Tigger....even if we were in the house, wore her while her head was peaking out.  I believe it helps an infant know their mother's scent and heartbeat.

Co-Sleeping:  To be honest, foster care regulations are that foster children do NOT sleep in their parent's bed...this is for good reason, however, up to age 2, they can sleep in the same room in a bed.  So that's what I did.  Tigger slept in my room for a year.  No regrets and I'd do it again....after it was ok, she could sleep in my bed if she needed to.  I believe hearing me sleep *ahem maybe snore* helped her to not be as afraid and to know that I would get up and tend to her needs at night at any whim.  At this time, I deal with a 20 month old that is a good sleeper and sleeps with mama occasionally.

Nowadays, if routine is broken, I see my baby girl get insecure at times.  This week has been hard on us as I haven't been able to lift her (see previous post about my surgery) and she cries when mama can't attend to her.  I'm glad grandma has been able to attend to her and she has learned now that mami has an owie but she is still around.  Tigger still needs to suck her index finger and will do so when anxious or tired.  It's not something I'm worried about.

I decided to write this post because people need to know that when we receive children from foster care either for fostering or possible adoption...ALL need work with bonding and attachment.  Babies don't come into your home automatically issue free and older children don't come into your home ready to be sociopaths either.  Both have their pros and cons, and ALL have attachment insecurities.  The best thing we can do for our children that we love is to be aware and to be prepared to parent our children in the way that they need to be parented.  That will look a bit different for every family.

A huge thank you to Penelope at Foster2Forever for bringing people from all over to share their experiences with others.

Finalizing BEFORE an appeal is heard and decided?

Image by onecle via Flickr

Sounds like something that would never be done right?  um WRONG.  Imagine my surprise this morning reading about this here:

In two Washington state cases last year, higher courts overturned decisions to terminate parents’ rights, but the children had already been adopted by other families.


“We are victims, as are birth parents, as are the children,” said Jill Mailloux, of Richland, who with her husband, Jim, adopted two brothers, ages 5 and 7, in February 2010.

Seven months later, the boys’ biological mother, who is from Snohomish County, successfully argued in Court of Appeals Division I that her rights to her sons should never have been taken away.
“The social worker said, ‘Yes, there is an appeal, but they never get granted, don’t worry about it,” Mailloux recounted.

In a separate case in June, the state Supreme Court overturned the 2006 termination of a father’s right to his 10-year-old daughter, who was adopted more than four years ago.
Both cases have resulted in a legal morass likely to result in the children being taken away from their adoptive families.

I will be the first to admit that I'm not one to be altruistic most of the time.  While I was waiting for the hearing that ultimately terminated the parental rights of Tigger's biological parents, and the excruciating wait throughout the appeal period window, all I could think of was wanting everything to be over and not to worry about that anymore.  But, the process is there for a reason.  Terminating parental rights (as opposed to parents relinquishing) is a very very grave and permanent order.  The basis for that should be documented well and ALL chances given to the biological parents to work a case plan or show that they are working on being appropriate parents by themselves (if a child is #6 in a long line of children in which parents received caseplans) and that when available, suitable relatives are found before others.  If an appeal is filed, then yes we as licensed foster parents have to wait it out and see the outcome before finalization.  Even in the long time between termination of parental rights on Tigger's biological parents and finalization, I recognize, that I can't have it any other way or rush the process because it wouldn't be right and I would always wonder.  Further in the article it says:

In several other cases, the state Supreme Court declined to review parental terminations after the children in those cases were adopted while their parents appealed

The only reason they declined to hear the appeal was due to the children already being adopted?  That just has to be wrong.  I'm hoping that laws change so the proper order of events happen before a family is allowed to finalize an adoption.  We need to make sure every decision is made in a way that is above reproach. 



.

Baby Vanessa

I've been vaguely following the story of "Baby Vanessa" as it's a California story first of all, and because I'm always curious as to how these situations play out and what factors were at play that made this situation become big court battles in the first place. 

Anyways if you've been following the story or wonder what I read about, here is the outcome!
Read here and here and finally here for three different write ups.  I have many thoughts about this case, but they are jumbled so am not sure if I can accurately write my jumbled thoughts into a coherent post right now.  I think I will instead write a post about the different issues that this case definitely brought and post at a later date. 

Angels among us!

I know that there are good foster homes and bad foster homes.  Tigger was not in the best foster home for her first placement and was moved to her second foster home before coming home with me.  Her second foster home however, was truly awesome.  I remember meeting the foster mom for the first time with my adoption worker and I just thought she was an awesome person.  Her home was/is categorized as a shelter home or most commonly known as emergency homes.  They are the homes that get children placed at all hours of the day AND night and their placements tend to be shorter before moving to a foster-to-adopt home (such as my home) or to another foster home for a longer duration. 

While foster-to-adopt homes also accept children that may ultimately end up back with family or other relatives (this journey is truly an emotional roller coaster), there is always that high chance of finalizing an adoption.  Foster homes on the other hand deal with their placements leaving.  I cannot imagine doing that work/mothering long term.  It must be hard on the emotions! 

I know when Tigger was placed, foster mom had to tell her teenage daughter and she was devastated.  Tigger was well loved and cherished in this household even in the short time that she was living there.  I truly think that shelter homes and strictly foster homes are filled with Angels on earth.  People who unselfishly care for a child no matter how long or short their stay will be and routinely get their hearts broken as they love their [foster] children fiercely for their season of stay. 

I think this is the main reason I keep in touch with Tigger's last foster mom via e-mail and facebook.  I send her updated photos and a short summary of how she is doing.  I hope she and her family knows that the care they give children really makes a difference.  I was also wondering in my mind if this was being appreciated or not since I hadn't heard from her in a while. 

I was a bit shocked to hear from Tigger's foster mom the other day e-mail me that she had been in a bad car accident earlier in the school year.  She just wanted to let me know that she gets my updates and it makes her day, but that she has been lousy and trying to heal that she hasn't been up to communicating as much via technology.  I'm glad I haven't stopped including her in my updates just because she stopped communicating.  I'm also very relieved to know that she is alive and recuperating.  She is one of the good ones!  A true angel among us, making a difference. 

Thank you to all foster families that strive to make a difference with children.  I know I personally appreciate it.  Without Tigger's last foster mom who loved Tigger so much, it would have been a more difficult road in our bonding and attaching as mother and daughter.

In AZ news

Just read a synopsis of what has passed in AZ so far.  I hope the bill that gives "preference" to married couples for adoption still is able to look at the NEEDS of the child(ren), because it would be scary if children didn't get to be placed in the actual homes that would be the best fit just because of the marital status box. 

My heart stopped yesterday (for a brief moment)

Ring ring ring........

I answered my cell phone and this is what I hear

"This is Sherry from CPS"

at first my heart stops....what happened?  I know she hit her head and has a nasty black and blue, but really I didn't do anything....(I'm thinking this in my head)

"I have a baby I need to place"

then I panicked and said out loud....oh my word are you telling me Tigger has a sibling? 

"um what?"

I mean [insert name she had before adoption] is this a call because her mother had another baby?

"oh no...I was calling because I need to find a placement for a baby"

Oh you know, I'm still within that 6 month period after adoption and unless it's my daughter's sibling, my social worker said they don't place for 6 months after finalization.

"Oh I'm sorry, your name came up on the wrong list then...let me make a note" 

ok I'm sorry about that.  Goodbye

Wow.....I was panicking.  Granted I've put in my file that if Tigger ever has a sibling that needs a foster or adoptive home I am willing and able to do it, but I wasn't thinking now....in fact it's about 2 months too soon...ha ha ha of course children never come when we think they should come, but I am glad I have at least 2 more months before seriously thinking if I want to go through the emotional process again.  I wondered if my instant panic was a sign that I should be content with one, but then I just deduced that I'm not the best multitasking of ideas so if I wasn't expecting a call for a possible placement after thinking and putting in my request, of course the initial idea would send me into panic mode, just like I panic for other things that pop up that I don't think about.  So it's not a "sign" but it made for a great topic on my blog. 

Should I be concerned that when I told my mother this, she started laughing and saying wouldn't that have been something if I had called her and said I had another baby in the house?  Well thanks mom for actually laughing about the possibility that this could have happened!

Oh Arizona, it's really not that simple

So in reading blogs and links....I come across this wonderful article from the AZcentral.  Isn't the title awesome "Sending Singles to back of the adoption bus".  Just as the title reads, there is a bill to say that ALL singles should be second behind couples to adopt in both state and private agencies as the following snippet implies:

For example, last week, one of the legislators supporting a bill that would make second-class citizens of single people who want to adopt children couldn't understand why there was any opposition to the proposal.

Single adoptive parent Susan Frank was there when SB1188 was being considered in committee. She has fought this battle before.
Essentially, the bill would direct the Arizona Department of Economic Security, as well as private adoption agencies, to give primary consideration for adoption to married couples, making single people eligible only if a qualified married couple is not available (with a few exceptions).
Frank is a lawyer.
She told me, “One senator said, ‘We're not saying that single people can't adopt.' It was later that it occurred to me – and I'm not at all comparing myself to (civil rights icon) Rosa Parks – but it occurred to me that it would be like telling Rosa Parks, ‘We're not saying you can't ride the bus.'”
The Children's Action Alliance of Arizona agrees with her.
After SB1188 was filed the Alliance, which since 1988 has been looking out for the interests of Arizona kids, issued a statement saying that the bill would “create barriers for special needs children in foster care.”
The system that currently exists in Arizona aims only to put together willing and qualified adults with children who are up for adoption.
Single adoptive parents are among the more willing to take in kids with special needs.
“If the legislature's goal is to get more children with married couples they may achieve that,” Frank said, “But overall there will be fewer kids adopted.”
Treating single people like they're less desirable or qualified isn't exactly the best way to encourage men and women to look into becoming adoptive parents.
According to the Children's Action Alliance, research has shown that single parents who adopt special-needs children have fewer problems than couples.

Now as a single parent myself, I obviously believe in it or I wouldn't have stuck it out in the process, but I'm not going to have a hissy fit over it.  People can disagree with what I did and I'm ok with that, no hard feelings.  What I don't like about this article is the inclusive ALL singles.  Really?  So we won't be looking at the best match for a child now, it will just be a blanket statement without really thinking about it? 

My daughter and I are a good match.  There are some children in this world of foster/adoption that need a good two parent home....some children that *I* as a single parent would not be a good match for.  Yet there are some kids in the world of foster/adoption that *I* as a single parent would be the best match for.  Blanket statements are never good.  It ceases to become about what is the overall good for a child in need and becomes about outward appearances.  It's a shame something like this even got introduced.  After all, I'm honored and humbled to have become acquaintances with single parents that have done an excellent job in parenting their child that has demonstrated RAD (reactive attachment disorder) behaviors and I have seen the difference in them from hard working single parents dedicated to make a child's life better....not because they had to have a child as an accessory.

Post Adoption Meetings

So I went to my first official post-adoption meeting last evening.  It was actually quite helpful, which is why I didn't have time to write last night.  In fact this post is short because I got to get to work and I'm going to play around with the "post options" and see if it will indeed schedule a post to be put on the blog at the time I order it to.  (yes I know I have weird humor like that)

Anyways I learned new stuff about resources should I ever need them, about how/when/where/why I would use Tigger's medical card and when is it good as a secondary insurance (I did find out last night that the money I spent for her asthma medication I could have presented her medical card and it might have paid for the medicine...uh well next time) and when it would be beneficial to have it as the only form of insurance for a child. 

We learned about support groups in the area, about mental health, about the school district and their services (I was glad to have information to share in that aspect ) and we learned about the adoption tax credit and what form needs to be used. 

Nothing I haven't *heard* before online or in my classes way back when, but it was nice to have a meeting just to go over it again and to get numbers for assistance should I need it later on.  Oh the things you learn!  I feel like I'm understanding not only the public school system, but the foster care and mental health care system better.  I think that rocks!  Hopefully it means I can assist with information if a parent or someone has any questions or wonders why the system is set up in a particular way. 

Toodaloo, my morning commute awaits....hopefully my scheduling of this post works! 

A little taste of what I"m sure most of us are guilty of doing!

The hardest part of being a foster parent sometimes is accepting the help and going along with all the services provided.  Not that they aren't great, but sometimes one feels like they are crossing the line into entitlement and it's a dance of what your mind "deems" as being right. 

Case in point, when Tigger came, she received WIC, so naturally it continued.  It's a great program and I'm very glad that my tax dollars go to fund such an awesome program, it's just that sometimes I felt out of place.  I got over it because in the end it wasn't about "me" it was about making sure Tigger received what she needed in light of the fact that she may not have received good nutrition beforehand.  OK I get it.  So it's not about me, it's about making Tigger healthy and being accountable to making Tigger eat healthy. 

Fast forward and now we are a forever family.  Because of her past foster care history, in our state Tigger still receives insurance from the state as secondary and because of that, she still receives WIC.  Again I feel weird because while we are not rich, I can buy food, we're not destitute.  Again, I'm counseled and told that Tigger unlike my typical pregnant friend may not have received prenatal care and good nutrition and accountability for that is good for HER and it has nothing to do with me.  I was then told that if it made me feel better, I payed taxes and I"m just seeing the benefits of where my tax dollars go to.  Ok. 

Now, being a WIC person and going to the store and buying food items with the WIC checks, you get to see people's true colors.  You know, the self-righteous people that roll their eyes and tap and sigh heavily because one is obviously "trash" if they are using the checks.  Well I guess it's payback because let's face it, in our harried lives and maybe in our youth, weren't we those rude people hemming and hawing behind a family using food stamps and/or WIC checks?  Last week, I decided to use another store outside my normal one that I use for these purposes and boy did I pay for it, even though I thought I was saving time by doing it before picking up Tigger and getting it done without her. 

If looks could kill, I'd be dead.  The cashier lady was nice...however, in my usual store I guess I've been making a wrong purchase that they haven't told me about yet this cashier said I had to trade this food for something else...I think the cereal boxes have to be in 12 oz boxes or more instead of 9 oz (yes silly rules) and so of course the people behind me started giving me that evil stare.  You know the "if you weren't a slut stare", and the "dang lady wasting our taxes" stare.  I was royally embarrassed and wanted to cry.  After I got out of there alive much to the happiness of the person behind me, I contemplated on how maybe sometimes I've acted the same way in my teens or early 20s....judging people on food stamps and WIC , not really knowing their situation and/or knowing them as people. 

Well now I know what it feels like.  While some days I may be in a hurry, I am much kinder and patient in line than I used to be.  I have empathy for people if they grabbed the "wrong" item....I KNOW what it feels like to turn red in the face and be embarrassed and I NOW give people the 'evil' eye if they start making a fuss in line behind a person using assistance.  I KNOW what it feels like and it doesn't feel good. 

If anything, I hope that if you stumble on my blog, my sincerest hope is that this post opens your eyes that it isn't cool to be rude in line.  And if you're my friend and start feeling exasperated behind someone using WIC, try to imagine that it is me in line in front of you...is this really how you would treat me?

Brothers & Sisters tackling foster/adoption theme

So do any of you watch 'Brothers & Sisters'?  I do.  I know it's full of topics in which heated arguments/debates can ensue, but I just love the family dynamic of this family...very um realistic and full of dysfunctional functional.  In short, I love the family relations that this TV drama emits. 

That being said last Sunday when Scotty and Kevin (Kevin being one of the Walker family members and his husband) were doing the parenting classes for the fost/adopt program in Los Angeles county and then attend an adoption fair where they promptly fall in love with a girl who is extremely friendly and over the top nice to them, I don't get that "awwwww" moment.  I got the antenna moment where my brain is screaming "RAD alert"  (RAD= Reactive Attachment Disorder).  It seems as though Kevin and Scotty are going to rate her in the adoption fair as who they were compatible with and I was left wondering if that was going to be all there was "to it" or would they even show a kid that was having even some attachment issues. 

While I don't think it will be to the extreme, I am curious to see how this will play out....I just saw some sneak peaks into a future episode called "choosing a date" that may show this girl as actually acting out when first visiting/placed. 

What do you all think? check out these clips....I wish I could find them without the stupid advertisements before the actual clip, but try to hang in there over into the clips.  Remember while I couldn't find a clip of the adoption fair, this girl "Olivia" was very sweet, charismatic, and melted their hearts. 

Now watch this:  Meeting at the adoption SW office

And then this:  Asking advice for sneaking a boy in

Ok so it's TV and media, it won't show everything, but at least I"m glad that they showed the "happy child" when first meeting and then obvious change in behavior even if it's minor compared to what can actually happen and the adjustment factor. 

Remember this is also the TV show that did a domestic infant transracial adoption with Kitty and Robert without any indication of paperwork signing, counseling, or social workers so should be interesting to watch how this plays out. 

The Sobering Facts about Adoption from Foster Care

Image via Wikipedia

Howdy folks! 

This weekend was an obvious weekend full of joy for my family and I am still over the moon.  Let's face it, unless I do decide to do this whole journey over again, for a while (at least 6 months) I'm free of social worker visits, of having to report every bump, bruise, and cut with my heart pounding wildly, and of course no more asking permission for everything including trimming hair and giving OTC medicine.  Yes folks until a child is pronounced yours, permission needs to be granted for many things...it is more flexible after the termination of parental rights because then I only need permission from my social worker and not everyone under the moon, but that's a blog post for another time!  I can also post pictures if I so choose to!  Woohoo...although I'll probably start being a little bit more protective and selective with that after the initial excitement comes down to the everyday living! 

Tonight, I did want to mention the sad side of foster care adoption.  Before the hearings started on Saturday, the deputy director spoke about the facts and data from our county.  This past year to date our county has granted 536 adoptions.  Wow...let's repeat that again 536 adoptions.  While yes this is great that these kids do not linger in foster care forever, the sobering fact remains that there were at least 536 termination of parental rights done sometime in the last year or two.  To me, that's a sobering fact.  Parents couldn't get it together, sometimes some didn't outright care, sometimes life just really got in the way.  That just blows me away. 

And where do we start to help?  Obviously the first goal of foster care is reunification, so do we help then?  or is this something that should really be in our heads when we mentor, teach, or come in contact with kids?  In our county we have some bad stuff due to drugs.  Should our efforts be more focused on really hammering out the facts to kids that being addicted to drugs or getting involved with people that do drugs can have lasting and lingering effects much more than what has been previously taught? (e.g. previous education focuses solely on drugs ruining you, drifting you and your parents apart, and possibly hindering your road to college), do we educate everyone to take care of each other and to be more willing to help your fellow man (or woman)?  or do we idly sit by because obviously everyone has to have consequences for their choices? 

I certainly don't know the answer and after reading an article about a man in Ohio throwing his girlfriend's baby out of the 3rd story balcony and then flinging the baby against a wall to ensure the baby was dead I guess sometimes evil will just still be in this world no matter how much we try to prevent it.  I guess that although I love Tigger very much, I wish that parents would be able to keep it together for their kids and not have to suffer the ultimate consequence...536...wow.  Here's hoping that we can help the next generation make good choices and diminish the trauma that innocent children sometimes suffer.