Saturday, February 5, 2011

I was talking with my aunt one time....irrational fears!

My aunt adopted my cousin many years back and he joined the family when he was 11.  He's a cool cousin and his wife and two kids are pretty neat as well. 

It just struck me this weekend that there may be some fears she had that have overlapped and I know that I do many things or re-check many things twice due to the same fears. 

A couple of points:

My aunt noticed my cousin had really bad teeth and spent a fortune making sure his smile was the best there was.....she had a fear that if she didn't take care of it immediately regardless of whether the money was there or not, that people would say that she didn't take care of his teeth because he was adopted. 

My aunt made my cousin get a 4 year degree and nothing less (even though my cousin wanted to be a mechanic or a computer tech) because she felt if she let him go get a trade vs. a 4-year college education then people would talk and say it was "because he was adopted".  Long story short, my cousin did get his 4 year degree, then got a certification in computers and became a computer tech.  He loves his current job better. 

I know for me:

I try to make sure Tigger is dressed well from head to toe because I don't want people to think bad things about a) the way I parent and b) because I'm not taking care of her due to whatever issues.

I try not to say too many things that could be perceived as "negative" (e.g. oh my word, I'm really tired and not loving that we haven't slept well for 5 nights and I'm not feeling my best) for fear that people would either a) say "you asked for it" or b) wonder if I'm complaining because I don't feel bonded.

Sometimes I wonder if we adoptive parents "think" too much or "care" too much about public perception of our parenting.  Will we ever just let it go and not be shaped by what we think others think about our feelings towards our children?  I hope so, because sometimes that's just a lot of baggage to carry around. 

And that is what an irrational fear sounds like.


Ticia said...

Irrational fears are when you wake up your husband in the middle of the night because you're afraid he's died.

Yes, I've done that.

DannieA said...

we all have our "thing".

Amy Callahan said...

My thing is all of the above...including the waking up the husband. Great post. I feel like I kiss my children too much in public to try and prove my love is the same as any other mother and child.

Marcy Payne said...

Oh girl! Good topic! I totally get this post. I also have feared that people would think "'s because he was adopted, you never know when they are ADOPTED!" worried looks all around...grrr.

I used to worry about that. Now, if someone has the audacity to say "you asked for it" or some such nonsense, I say "yes I did but I'm still a normal mother." or I point to someone close to them that has five children biologically and say "So did she". Oh I'm nasty! Blah to them. It's usually my MIL. NOt that I'm venting or anything...
My dad has also said similar and I just say that I am blessed to be my kids' mom but that doesn't make some of the tough days easier. EVERYONE has tough days or they are LYING!

Four kids later, I'm lucky if my kids have boots on their feet when they go outside. I used to make sure Josh was dressed head to toe to the "nines" but he was my only and I could spoil him. Now I have my attention divided and don't worry quite as much. It's become survival of the!

I think we will always have (secret) fears that motivate us one way or the other. I think adoptive as well as bio have those fears. It's a part of being human. We all just have different ones.

You are doing a great job Dannie!


PS. Sorry for rambling...long week

Nicole said...

I think you're doing a wonderful job, and with my bip babies i'm like that with how theyre dressed! Damien has play jeans that I HATE! the knees are ripped to shredds but I've had to learn hes a 5 yr old boy and if I let him go play in his good jeans they will look like his play jeans in about 20mins! lol!