Wednesday, November 17, 2010

It's been 11 months and 2 days

While I know it's not the year anniversary of Tigger's placement yet, December I know will be filled of posts having to do with Christmas and actual memories instead of zombie like days/nights, so I'd like to dedicate this post to my own musings of the past year. 

This was taken Dec. 2nd I believe.....about 2 days before I received a call saying I'd been matched with Tigger.  Over the next week, I had full disclosure, decided to accept the match sight unseen, visitation at Tigger's foster home which was the first time I saw her, and because I never expected I would get matched with an infant (remember I mentioned having two failed matches before Tigger in a previous post?  they were both 4 year old kids so I just assumed preschool age) my parents and I ran to Babies R Us and Baby Depot in a frantic daze trying to pick up what I needed.  Last December was a frantic month filled with both Tigger getting used to a new house and my crazy self, as well as I was um walking in a daze sometimes frantic because I was sure I'd fail as a mom to an infant. 

I 'knew' in my head that motherhood would change my life but wasn't truly prepared for some of the changes.  I'm going to count down the 10 things I was completely unprepared for.

10:  I'd become even more of an emotional mess during 'tender moments' than before.  (e.g. I love "Les Miserables" I can't hear the song 'Castle on a Cloud' without crying, I'll cry during TV shows if it's a happy or sad ending)  Gag me, how sentimental

9:  Laundry!  Seriously?  How much laundry can a baby make?  Apparently a mountain load.  Wow! 

8:  I never knew I had a witch (just substitute one letter) side of me until I became all mama bearish

7:  Bedtime!  I'm not ashamed to admit I've gone to bed exhausted by 7:30pm some nights. 

6:  I never knew the extent of mommy wars until I had a child....oh boy!  If I hear one more comment about when I'm going to get rid of the bottle, when Tigger will be in her own room instead of sleeping with me, and about letting my child suck her finger like a paci I think I might commit murder...please see #8.

5:  I never knew children's songs could get embedded in your brain and drive you bonkers after a while...seriously I love the Laurie Berkner Band and so does my Tigger (thank you Mompetition for your giveaways that made this CD and DVD possible in my home) however, if my brain keeps spitting out "We are the Dinosaurs" when I'm trying to write a speech report, my work is going to suffer.

4:  Grandparents!  I never knew Grandparents could melt so easily and become wrapped around a child's finger to the point that then boundaries have to be set. LOL...Grandfathers especially think they are funny (e.g. tonight we had dinner at grandma and grandpa's and my dad gets all proud and says 'look what I taught her" ....grandpa--"Wassssup" Tigger--"Wassssup"...ok seriously dad, not really wanting her to sound like that old Budweiser commercial!)

3:  I never ever thought I would de-prioritize my job...don't get me wrong, I do my job, and I do the best I can in the time that I have, but I used to stay late....think the whole world would stop if I wasn't at work running my speech therapy groups and all that.  Now my job is great, but once I'm done, I'm done.  And I also know that even if I have to be out, if God forbid I die, well guess what, people may miss me for a day or so, but life will go on and yes work will survive without me....but Tigger may not, so she is the top priority hands down and I have no guilt. 

2:  The house....oh my house, my beautiful bachelorette house that I had set up looking like it was a model home...I never thought I would take time to play with Tigger over picking up clutter right away and yeah I've been guilty of leaving the sink full of dishes overnight....gag me.  (don't tell my mom, she will have a heart attack), yeah I  never thought my house would look like Toys R Us threw up on it.  I was never going to impulsively buy toys for Tigger....self control  you know :)

But you know the kicker and the one thing I was very unprepared for was

1:  The worry!  I never thought that I would be wracked with worry for my child the way that I am.  Is she ok?  Does she look uncomfortable?  Worry about what could happen!  Worry that I am a single parent and mortality is more real....praying that God grants me life until Tigger is at least 18 years old if not more.  Worry that she may fall for peer pressure ...I never thought worry could keep me up, be a nasty thought in the back of my mind always, and would be a constant friend that I don't think is leaving anytime soon.  It does make me glad that I do have a belief system and that prayer helps calm me down, but this my friends is what I never was adequately prepared for...and this was the one thing that scared me more than anything else.

As we move towards Saturday and finalization, I think about the last 11 months and 5 days.  (will be 5 days on Saturday lol) It's been a year and I can only hope that I keep growing, learning and getting better at this parenting thing.

1 comment:

Ticia said...

Imagine how much 3 kids can generate..... But they get better after the first year and a half. Then it's only one outfit a day. Until you get to potty training. Then it's back to when she was a newborn.